10/21/19
Feeling suicidal again. Listening to music and hoping it goes away. Feeling this way always makes me feel violent. I slammed my head into my desk over and over again. Resisting the urge to start biting myself.
I hope this blog ends up helping me feel better. It's frustrating not being able to talk to anyone about these feelings but this will have to do. Getting them out of my head might help me feel better and calm down.
I did my exercises this morning. It felt good to be able to do situps and pushups, even if I only did a few. I did about 30 situps and 11 pushups. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to do 31 and 12.
While I went to the store I took the long way and went up a set of stairs. It wasn't the set of stairs I thought it was but it was still nice. Felt good once I got to the top.
I wish I was a better person. I wish I could control my impulses better. I wish I had less of an ego. I wish I could apologize easier. I wish I didn't get so fucking angry sometimes. It's so difficult to keep control of myself and I don't understand how to. I don't understand what I feel most of the time. I wish I could just die. I wish I could just die. I wish things that don't make sense. I don't know if I'm a product of my enviornment or if I was always destined to be this way. I wonder if I had a better childhood, had an actual father, had something more, if I would be better. I'm working to improve myself starting today. Considering trying to get a gun. If I can't make myself better I'll use it against myself and an hero. If I end up being better I can use it to protect myself. I wish I could take my own life already so but I'm to much of a coward and I have prior responsibilities.
There is no worse feeling then that of being ignored. I wish that I was priority number 1 to more people. I hold everyone in such high regard and try to do everything for them. I get them gifts, I indulge their interests, I listen to their problems. But when the stage is reversed nobody cares. This is valuable information. Everyone is greedy and self interested. Even me. But to them I'm merely 1 single puzzle to their lives. Just an after thought.